"Just" the ten of us...

This picture was taken the day before Jon left for Afghanistan, at a park not too far from Fort Campbell. We'd gone up there early that Sunday to meet him and Chelsey at church, go out for lunch, and then spend the day together. It's one of those memories all of us will hold onto till we get to see him again in November.

Funny thing about this picture...I'm sure to the other folks around us that day, our entourage looked huge! Consider that we also had two others with us--Pete's father and his wife--so there were a total of twelve of us both at Golden Corral for lunch and then wandering around the park that afternoon. To us, though, it doesn't feel so "huge"; ten just feels like family. When I look back at pictures of our family when it was just four of us, I'm reminded just how positively tiny it looked...and incomplete.

Do we feel like our family is "complete" now, with seven children and the prospect of having more naturally not a possibility anymore? No, we don't. To be perfectly honest, both Pete and myself ache for an even larger family; we just knew that adding to our family naturally was not just dangerous for my health, it was a risk neither one of us wanted to take. Call that a lack of faith if you want, but it's a decision that was definitely made with much prayer and self-seeking. We know our motivations were right this time, and while we're "okay" with it, the prospect of not bearing anymore natural children does bother both of us. You know what? If God were to want to grow our family further via adoption, we'd both be thrilled! I'm sure we'd have to pick all of the grandparents up off of the floor...but children ARE a blessing, no matter how shocking their addition is to any family!

Our family is really nowhere near complete, I hope! By the end of next month, we will have two children who have graduated from high school and we know it is the natural course of things for them to strike out on their own and begin families of their own. It's not a sad thing for our "nest" to begin emptying--it's what is supposed to happen! However...as our nest empties, the nests of each of our children will, hopefully, begin filling up. I hope one day to need to "move" our dining room into the bonus room that is now the girls' bedroom! I hope one day we'll NEED a Duggar-sized table to seat all of our family members. It is my dream to have holidays that are just busting at the seams with sons-in-law, a daughter-in-law, and a ton of grandchildren! Oh...and it has been our hope and prayer for years to be able to have a church family that functions almost as a biological family--and we have that here finally!

So yes, we're actually making plans to extend our family to FAR more than "just the ten of us"! I hope that's God's plan for our family too!

Ten years.....poof.

I haven't told anyone this...not even Pete, till yesterday--but for the last ten years or so, I've been secretly putting a story to paper. It's been revised a number of times and I never fully completed writing it, but I just couldn't bring myself to share that information. Fear of rejection, maybe, or deadlines, or the "need" to do something with it other than writing for my own enjoyment? I don't know.

No reason not to share it now, because yesterday I found out that my EXACT same storyline has been made into a movie. Not a big budget one, for sure, it's just one of those B-rated "christian" movies, but when I heard the previews and read up on the film, I was absolutely floored to find that somehow, the story fits mine almost detail for detail. I don't know how that happened, but it did.

I threw it away. Why bother keeping MY story, when someone else has already done something with it? I can't even bear to look at it, much less complete it now. Already been done. I guess I "sat on it" too long.

I'm not sure what stings more--the fact that a story I'd put ten years into had been made into a movie and that all of MY dreams of maybe publishing it one day are gone...or that the movie is one that I'd likely laugh at for its lack of finesse on screen.

At any rate, if you DO perchance see the movie "No Greater Love", think of me, ok?

In the wrong pigpen?

I think I must have been born in the wrong place and time. Upscale Palm Beach in 1973 might have provided a suitable start for my life, but I realized very early on in my childhood that I just didn't feel like I belonged. Now...well, now I KNOW I'm a fish out of water in modern city life. In fact, a lot of typical American life now befuddles me and makes me long for the stories of my great-grandmother and the books I clung to as a young girl--penned by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I just don't feel like I fit in "here".

I always wanted to be part of a big family and live on a farm. I grew up in a city not but a stone's throw from the beach, and our family gatherings during my childhood...well, they were boring. One brother, four cousins, my grandparents, and a few aunts and uncles were it. I listened to my great-grandmother tell me about her family of twelve siblings and was in awe. Her stories about living in a farming community in northern Alabama were just riveting to me.

I tell ya, piddling with FarmVille on Facebook is just not cutting it. Browsing the real estate brochures and finding a bunch of available farmland (some with some really nice houses!) and knowing I'll still have to wait a year, maybe two, before we can even seriously look for a home of our "own" is tormening me...so I just let Pete look and dream. For now, I'll read the blogs of those who are living that rural dream and live vicariously through their words and pictures.

Our family is *close* to what I always dreamed about as a child, although I do wish my kids had some cousins to play with and that their grandparents were closer to us (maybe in time?), but the dreams I had of just leaving the size of our family up to God's blessing has been brought to a screeching halt by my bad health. It is what it is as it is, and that's okay--it really has to be. I do hope that one day before the girls are too big that we can move to a place where they are safe to spread their wings and enjoy God's creation a bit more than in the teeny little postage stamp of a backyard they are confined to now. As odd as it sounds, I'd like for my girls to know how dirt feels between the fingers! I want them to be able to play in the mud and jump in puddles. And one of these days, I hope we have a huge dining room table and way too many grandchildren to fit around it!

For now, I guess I'll just fill notebooks with pictures cut out from magazines; I'll collect gardening tips, browse homesteading websites, and try not to look TOO longinginly at oil lamps and wood-burning stoves. There are plenty of simple luxuries to be found in the here and now, and plenty of blogs to read of folks who are living that wonderful dream of country simplicity. Maybe one day....

Do we dare?

Pete and I did something yesterday that could lead to our life together taking a very, well, *different* avenue than anyone in either of our families has taken for generations. We have longed for quite some time to do something like this, and with Pete's retirement from the Army looming larger every day on the horizon, we have some decisions to make. Of course, since it is new territory for either of us, we wanted to at least see what it would look like, so we took a drive. About twenty minutes north of Huntsville was a property he'd spotted in one of those real estate brochures he picked up, and both of us was flabbergasted to find how "at home" we felt standing there on that ten-acre plot of farmland just half a mile from the Tennessee border surrounded by a lot of nothing.

Granted, the house that sits on the property is uninhabitable. It's a 100+ year-old farmhouse in need of more than just TLC. It's in need of a bulldozer! The barn is not too much better off. However, at $114,000, that piece of land is probably the closest we'd come to getting the best of both worlds--the farm life we both would LOVE to have with the potential to eventually build our dream home with room to breathe, plus the close proximity to a good job for Pete.

Thing is...you talk about risks! We'd have to find a not-so-expensive mobile home to put on the property to live in...immediately...not to mention that house is going to be a bear to tear down! However, the thought of working toward self-sufficience is really sparking our interest even further. Standing there on that big, green piece of land imagining ourselves living off of the bounty that the Lord provides from the land, having the space for our children to live and grow without having to worry about what ridiculousness our nextdoor neighbors are up to...it's a good thing we aren't going to be truly "in the market" for a home for another eight or nine months. This piece of land has been available since January of 2007...I wonder how long it will be sitting there?

Decisions, decisions

Sometimes it seems almost silly that nearly eighteen years into Pete's military career, he and I still struggle with the stay in/get out decision every few years. Thankfully, he's *mostly* taken my thoughts and concerns into consideration when extending his military career, but this time just seems...I don't know, so FINAL. He's two years away from that twenty-year mark when everyone usually starts making plans to hang up the camouflage and move into a civilian life. Yet here we are, at another crossroads. It's crunch time for him to make a major decision that will affect not only his career, but the next seven or eight years of our family's life. Apply for Warrant Officer Candidate School, or just ride out the next few years and hang it all up?

When it's all said and done, if he's accepted for the Warrant Officer program, it will mean just an additional two and a half years tacked on to what he's already going to be serving. Both of us are admittedly weary of the high op-tempo and constant uncertainty. It seems like things never truly "slow down" for Pete, and it would be wonderful to have roots for once; we just don't feel like we have a "home". My parents have moved away from the only hometown I've ever known, his parents have divorced and moved to separate ends of the state, we've sold the only house we ever owned...life just feels so disjointed! But of course, this is the only life we've ever known since our family began almost eighteen years ago. Neither of us has a clue what spending more than three years in any one place feels like. How would we handle it? Will we need to pack up everything we own into a U-Haul van and drive it around the block every few years? Repaint and remodel? What does "home" even feel like?

Of course, the obvious question is why does all of this even "scare" us? We've always looked longingly toward Pete's military retirement. We've dreamed of settling down, building a house, and starting a "normal" life for years. God has blessed us richly and He will use the experiences we've had over the years for something wonderful, I'm sure...but are we "done"? Is that extra few hundred dollars a month (okay, close to a thousand) we'll get in his retirement check worth two and a half more years? Why does THAT scare us? After nearly twenty, what's two and a half more years?

I suppose God's answer would be pretty clear--if He doesn't want Pete to spend the extra time in the military, it just wouldn't happen. Talk about your leaps of faith!

Thursday Thirteen--What I'd Like to Have in OUR House Someday

Thirteen Things I'd Like to Have in OUR House SomedaySometimes it feels as though we just don't have a "home", moving so often and spending all these years in places that belong to someone else. Pete and I do a good deal of dreaming about what OUR house will look like--his ideas are pretty out-there, but mine are a tad more 'practical'. 1.A nice, wide front porch complete with several rockers and obligatory glasses of sweet tea on a table. 2.A kitchen that works--cabinets whose doors stay attached, drawers that don't fall out, and a stove that doesn't cut off halfway through making a pot of spaghetti. 3.Garbage disposal!!!! 4.A dining room big enough to hold a BIG table and have enough room to move everyone around it instead of squishing our amply-sized hineys between a wall and a chair as we try to get to the other side of the table we can't all sit at. 5.A master bathroom. We've had this ONCE, and it was heavenly. 6.Bedrooms that actually have enough space for real-life furniture. 7. COLOR on the walls! 8.A garage. Pete needs a place for his "stuff" desperately. 9.A room dedicated to computer/office/crafting stuff. I have grown increasingly weary of having the computer and all of my craft supplies in the main living space. I can't overcome clutter if we can't put things away!!! 10.Separate rooms for mingling with guests and watching TV. A living room AND a family room would be wonderful! 11.A grill area in the backyard with a sitting area for us adults. I REALLY miss that. 12.TREES (ok, maybe not IN the house, but you get the idea) 13.My own little space. We have never had enough room for me to have a little sitting area all my own for a nice comfy chair and a bookshelf. It's frivolous, it's selfish, and I would LOVE it! Links to other Thursday Thirteens! ~Robin~ ~Tink~ ~Jeremy~ ~Gabriella Hewitt~ ~Suprina~ ~qtpies7~ ~lady penguin~

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Dare I hope?

If there is one place that our hearts keep returning, it's Huntsville, Alabama. Maybe it's the people, maybe it's the way the Southern hospitality refreshes us like a tall glass of sweet tea...or maybe it's the fact that Pete's training keeps taking us back there every now and then! Whatever the reason, both of us are always looking for an opportunity to go back. We thought that our opportunities were behind us as Pete's military career draws to a close, but we might have been wrong!

Finally, after several years of constant pain, Pete's shoulder is well enough so he's actually making good on the oft-put-off plan of applying for Warrant Officer Candidate School. In the past he's either been deployed or in too much pain to even be able to take a PT test, but now...well now he's ready! And even though he thought his age and time in service would require a waiver, it doesn't, so he's fully qualified--it's all just a matter of putting in the application!

The icing on the cake was hearing the excitement in Pete's voice on Sunday as we bade farewell to a couple (and their unborn son) we've become close to through the church here. Mike and Ela are moving to Anniston, Alabama, and Ela was in dire need of more encouragement to settle her soul for her first "real" move. She is Polish, and the idea of moving to not only a foreign land but a place that neither of them know anything about was overwhelming to her. As we talked (and heaped on the praise for another of our "favorite" Alabama cities), Mike expressed to Pete that he has paperwork submitted for a more permanent job in Huntsville, and Pete just lit up like a Christmas tree! He hasn't spoken of Huntsville in a long time, and it seemed that Mike opened a floodgate! Pete is now saying he NEEDS to get back there, he just misses it so much, and he told me today that he's hoping to have that Warrant Officer packet submitted for the next selection board! Yippee!!!

Of course this doesn't mean a "permanent" assignment to Redstone Arsenal, but even a 3-4 month stay there would be food for our souls, especially now with Jon so set on enlisting! If it all lines up (oh, PLEASE, Lord!!), we could be in Huntsville when Jon enlists and we won't be a 13-hour plane trip away when our firstborn graduates from basic training!

I think seeing the numbers dwindling so drastically every week at church is taking its toll on us; homesickness is setting in. I think even Pete is ready to go back "home".