Tuesday, September 29, 2009

In the wrong pigpen?

I think I must have been born in the wrong place and time. Upscale Palm Beach in 1973 might have provided a suitable start for my life, but I realized very early on in my childhood that I just didn't feel like I belonged. Now...well, now I KNOW I'm a fish out of water in modern city life. In fact, a lot of typical American life now befuddles me and makes me long for the stories of my great-grandmother and the books I clung to as a young girl--penned by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I just don't feel like I fit in "here".

I always wanted to be part of a big family and live on a farm. I grew up in a city not but a stone's throw from the beach, and our family gatherings during my childhood...well, they were boring. One brother, four cousins, my grandparents, and a few aunts and uncles were it. I listened to my great-grandmother tell me about her family of twelve siblings and was in awe. Her stories about living in a farming community in northern Alabama were just riveting to me.

I tell ya, piddling with FarmVille on Facebook is just not cutting it. Browsing the real estate brochures and finding a bunch of available farmland (some with some really nice houses!) and knowing I'll still have to wait a year, maybe two, before we can even seriously look for a home of our "own" is tormening me...so I just let Pete look and dream. For now, I'll read the blogs of those who are living that rural dream and live vicariously through their words and pictures.

Our family is *close* to what I always dreamed about as a child, although I do wish my kids had some cousins to play with and that their grandparents were closer to us (maybe in time?), but the dreams I had of just leaving the size of our family up to God's blessing has been brought to a screeching halt by my bad health. It is what it is as it is, and that's okay--it really has to be. I do hope that one day before the girls are too big that we can move to a place where they are safe to spread their wings and enjoy God's creation a bit more than in the teeny little postage stamp of a backyard they are confined to now. As odd as it sounds, I'd like for my girls to know how dirt feels between the fingers! I want them to be able to play in the mud and jump in puddles. And one of these days, I hope we have a huge dining room table and way too many grandchildren to fit around it!

For now, I guess I'll just fill notebooks with pictures cut out from magazines; I'll collect gardening tips, browse homesteading websites, and try not to look TOO longinginly at oil lamps and wood-burning stoves. There are plenty of simple luxuries to be found in the here and now, and plenty of blogs to read of folks who are living that wonderful dream of country simplicity. Maybe one day....

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