Eighteen years in the making

One week ago tomorrow was our eighteenth wedding anniversary. Five children, six pets, eleven transfers, six duty stations, seven congregations of the Lord's Body, five deployments....and we're not done yet!

And yep, we're still cute! This pic was taken last Sunday after we got home from church in Florida (in front of my parents' new place--my Mom's pride and joy), on our anniversary. You've gotta love the little pouty look on Dani's face! That look says, "Grandma, I'm tired of pictures, enough already!" Oh, and also take note of the fact that all of the kids except Jamie have the signature Harker eyebrows!

Where did the last two weeks go?

I can't believe how fast two weeks can fly, but tomorrow we will be flying back to Germany after what has been a positively dizzying visit. I thank God for the opportunity to be able to say goodbye to my grandmother and to do a VERY quick catch-up with the rest of our family, but it all went so fast!

In two weeks' time, Dani has gone from crawling to walking all the time, she's erupted two new teeth (that makes SIX now!), Jamie has broken the family's all-time mosquito bite record and has her little body decorated with almost twenty band-aids, and the three little girls have managed to capture the attention of an entire nursing home! Jon got in about five hours driving time and is THRILLED to have "his" Nova back even if just for a little while. Kelsey has been completely overtaken by the retail bug and is newly re-addicted to shopping. Pete got the Nova registered, cleaned and organized my parents' garage, replaced light bulbs in unreachable places, transplanted plants, and realized how much he missed Lowe's! I have been able to spend precious time with my grandmother, who as I type this is still hanging on despite fears that she wouldn't make it long enough for us to even get home to see her. "Aunt" Jill was able to drive the six hours from Georgia to Florida to see "her" babies and the namesake she's never met, and we had a wonderful day toodling around Tallahassee with her while Pete, Jon, Morgan, and Jamie drove six hours in the other direction to visit his mother and also his father. Pete and I saw our 18th anniversary come and go, with us too caught up in life and the whirlwind that this visit has become to truly celebrate what God has built between us. Life has been exhausting, but it is good.

We're feeling incredibly blessed today. Tired and travel-weary, but blessed.

Works for Us--reverse psychology or geometry?

My 'Works-For-Me' trick wouldn't work if we didn't homeschool. In fact, it'd have no purpose whatsoever. However, since we DO homeschool, and we DO have a problem with motivating our teens, well....my devious little brain got to thinking and plotting ways to help them get excited about learning without actually believing they're learning at all!

Here's the background...Jon failed Algebra 2 last year. Kelsey is taking Algebra 2 this year. Jon is repeating it. I never took it, since my junior year ended abruptly two weeks into the Fall quarter. Soo.....my brilliant idea was to take Algebra 2 WITH my kids this year! I told them they could grade Mom's work, help me with problems, and hey, we'll all learn it together. Thankfully we do have a resident math geek in Pete, who is more than willing to be the authority on our "fuzzy" math logic, so there is a voice of reason in the house.

Thing is, I really didn't know if it would work. I was afraid the kids would go nuts holding my feet to the fire and forget that THEY need to do the work too...but lo and behold, our very first day of school, I ran into a speed bump that let me see exactly how well this is going to work! It seems that algebra isn't quite like riding a bike. When you don't use it in 17 years, you forget it. Not just a LITTLE of it, either. You forget MOST of it. I did. I needed a refresher course on negative integers, pi, and all those silly theorems that I detested so much. Guess who stepped up? Nope, not my knight in camouflage armor, but my KIDS! Who knew that Jon actually learned something during that course he failed? Certainly not his transcript...but go figure, he actually walked me and Kelsey through the bumps, and right there in our dining room, we had a little math study group going on! Oh, and a bonus...my kids learned that you don't have to be an expert to "teach" someone something, you can learn just about anything as long as you can read!

So here we are on Day 3, and whaddaya know, but my little mathletes are working TOGETHER on their algebra...check it out...

And of course, I can't help but toss in a picture of Kelsey, working ever so hard trying to outdo Mom and "beat" me to the answer yet again--

Tackle-It-Tuesday: The Home Management Binder

This Tackle actually started a while ago. In fact, I blogged about it two weeks ago. I'm a chronic organizer, but a hopeless noodle when it comes to actually implementing the greatest of plans. I get a wonderful master schedule planned out, and get tired of looking at the starkness of it all. I've gone through probably a dozen Day Planners, and while some of them seem to 'stick' better than others, I just get tired of seeing the boredom all on paper. So I made it my own. Inspired by prayzgod's blog Keeping the Home and her amazing Home Management Binder, I set out to create one for myself, one that I'd not only be proud to call my own, but one that would reflect my own personal tastes instead of the sterile, bland blahness (is that a word?) of other planners I've had.

First things first, I chose a binder I could live with. I didn't go with an incredibly large one, and I wanted one that would be decent to look at as well as sturdy...but I didn't want all those pointy edges that had poked me and gotten me annoyed in the past. So I found a plain, black, snap-front faux-leather three-ring binder hanging around the house, and I claimed it! Pete had used it as his leader's book while he was stationed at Fort Stewart and it still had a fair amount of (eww!) Iraqi sand in it, so it took a good scrubbing to get it nice and shiny, but it works great! The inside cover is perfect for postage stamps, half-size index cards for writing quick phone notes on, my mini-collection of post-it flags, and a magazine for devotional reading. Wanna see? Right now I've got Gospel Advocate's August issue in there, and I'm saving it for the plane trip we'll be taking this weekend. Here's the inside cover:

Adjacent to that is my title page. I decided that I really needed to go all-out on my dividers, to make them "mine". I settled on doing scrapbook-style pages that made me smile when I looked at them and reminded me of WHY I am striving toward organization. Life meets art:

Behind my title page, I have several printouts that I enjoy reading on a daily basis. These serve to keep me grounded. One was copied from Keeping the Home, her "Woman's Rules to Live By", and the other is a handout from church with 20 suggestions for raising your kids for Christ. I also have a copy of the thirteen virtues Benjamin Franklin developed for himself at age 20. Excellent list--it's blogworthy in and of itself, so you may read of that here at a later date!

Next is my calendar/schedule section--here's the cover page. The picture I used to make this layout/cover sheet reminds me so well why it is important to keep our days ordered--so we don't end up run down and worn out. It's also important to schedule time to just rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father...as Dani is resting in the arms of her earthly Daddy. The verses at the bottom edges of the picture are Ecclesiastes 3:1 ("To everything there is a season. A time for every purpose under heaven.") and 1 Corinthians 14:40 ("Let all things be done decently and in order.")

In my calendar section, the first couple of pages are the planning calendars. I got both of these from donnayoung.org; she's got a wealth of printouts there for the organizationally-challenged among us, and even for those who are addicted to this stuff! On one side is an 18-month calendar so I can see everything at a glance; the facing page is our school calendar, with August 2007 through July 2008 allon one page! I use the blocks to plan our intentional off-days and to record actual school days. I put the kids' first initials on each day that they have school, so I keep all that attendance stuff limited to one page. Works wonders for this ADD-challenged brain!

Behind this is twelve months of month-on-a-page calendars--the standard stuff--all (like all of my other pages) encased in protective sleeves to make this a jelly-proof (but not quite Jamie-proof) planner!

In that same section, I've got my basic weekly cleaning schedule. There's another copy of this on the refrigerator door--Pete is UBER proud that I've done this, and he's thrilled that he's now able to look and see what needs to be done on any given day and determine whether we've had a successful day schedule-wise. I'm loving all the color! OOH, look, variety!

I still don't have my master daily plan finalized yet; I'm tweeking it as we go along with this first week of school to be sure I have enough time allotted for each activity or too much on another. Sorry, I'm not up for showing works in progress! LOL

The next section is for meals. I foudn it a bit odd that while I was browsing through my stash of pictures to make a scrapbook-style cover page for this section, I wasn't able to find any pictures of Morgan stuffing her face like her brother and sisters, but oh well...Jamie more than made up for the deficit!

In this section, I've got a master shopping list and weekly menu planner (both from donnayoung.org) and a few recipes I've printed off from hither and yon. I'm eventually going to add some more stuff to this section, but it's another work in progress.

After the meal section comes the title page I really love. It doesn't have much behind it, just a few generic address/phone number sheets and a business card holder, but the cover sheet....I'm loving it. I almost didn't want to use it for a planner--it is just really scrapbook-y!

Then comes the final section--the one for my homeschool planning forms. Inside this, I've transplanted the schedule and dividers for nine weeks from my Sonlight Instructor Guide. I really didn't need to add much more, except I did...I added a sheet for the non-Sonlight subjects. I managed to keep lesson plans for both kids on one sheet. Very much better than the binder full of sheets I got tired of looking at in years past. The cover sheet was FUN to do too. I've been looking for something to use that silly picture of Pete in jammies and pink Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars for eons, and now I've got it! I also used little snips of the bookmarks that Sonlight sent with our books this year.

Overall, I'm really satisfied with how things turned out, and I'm excited to keep adding to it...that's a first for me! Surprisingly, the master grocery list worked really well. I thought it would be a hindrance having a big binder along with me instead of a little sheet of paper, but it was just something to get "used to" instead of a true problem. No biggie. I just need to get a wet erase marker that works. Right now I only have blue!

I really benefitted from all the information I found in the Home Management Binder University. It was great, and was excellent in training my thoughts as well as my organizational skills. This was a GREAT Tackle!

Today I'm just in awe of everything God has done in the little world around me. My daughter is home, SAFE, and the evidence of God's protection is just too great to even begin to enumerate on. So many dangerous situations, yet she is here with us, unscathed and hopefully a little wiser. Ok, hopefully a LOT wiser.

Then there is the fence full of plastic cups in view outside of my dining room window. An odd thought, except those red, white, blue, and yellow cups are arranged to form flags, yellow ribbons, and the words "WELCOME HOME 596th"! This evening, even though our soldier has been home with us the last year, we will stand with the family members we've supported over the last year as their soldiers are welcomed home. It's a surreal feeling. I've been through this five other times with my own soldier, but I've still looked forward to this day for far too long, holding my breath a little in anticipation of seeing that convoy of buses drive up and seeing the sea of camouflage descend on a crowd of tearful family members.

More than 150 soldiers in our company, and not a single combat injury. A teenager home safe and cognizant of what she took for granted. There is MUCH to be thankful for today!

The Daily Snippet today is SO timely: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.(Romans 8:28)

My hero...

See this guy? The cute one behind the computer with all that weirdo camouflage on? He's my hero.

Why, you ask? Well, on a very stressful day, he did something that really eased my mind (about a little thing, but it was just "one of the many") and made my life easier. What'd he do? After hearing how long I'd spent online trying to figure out how to fix my expired Texas drivers' license problem, he spent FIVE minutes piddling and renewed it for me.

I'm speechless.

And I think my computer hates me.

She can't possibly know...

...that I found her "goodbye" letter within half an hour of when she left, and that I laid awake the rest of the night unable to get a single moment's rest because the face on the milk carton now belonged to MY child.
...how much it breaks our hearts to know that she would rather turn to the company of people who aren't the least bit concerned with her soul--only in her temporary happiness. She just can't know how much we want to believe she did this to "get things straight with God", but that her actions SCREAM out that above all else, she just wants her freedom from accountability and rules.
...that she has no fewer than 600 people praying for her return both to her home and to the Lord, but that the prayers offered up by me and her father have not ceased, nor did they begin only when she ran away.
...that no one else on this earth cares more for her future and loves her more than the two she wants the most to get away from.
...that, even though we have the God-given responsibility of doing everything in our power to help her LEARN from her mistakes instead of just acting like they never happened, that we above anyone else would love to move on with a clean slate.
...that our family isn't the same without her.

Kelsey, it's time to come home. Whatever it is, we can (with God's help) work through it. Nothing is too big for God, but the ones you're turning to aren't the help you need. God can't help you when you're choosing to remain in the company of the ones who led you away in the first place. That life has to be left behind--forever. No one else loves you like your father and I do, and no one else is as committed to seeing you through this. No one except God Himself. He is waiting, as are we.

Wordless Wednesday--Unidentified flying widgets

Just for clarification...I have NO clue what this is or how it was taken, as my 15yo daughter took it with her digital camera while she was trying to get pictures of car lights passing from the passenger seat on the autobahn. SHE can't even figure out what it was. Guesses, anyone?

Tackle It Tuesday--Emotional Decluttering, Scheduling

My task for this Tuesday is twofold--I'm decluttering my heart, and "ordering my day". It's not just about the housework today.

I doubt but maybe a rare handful of people in cyberspace will understand this decluttering project of mine, but it just needs to be done. I have no idea whether the person I have in mind will read this or not; I have no way of knowing, actually, but since there is no other feasible way to do this without endangering my family, I'm doing it here in the offchance that she has stumbled upon my little corner of the 'net and is reading my ramblings. I've had a HARD time struggling with this for nearly two and a half years, and I've been trying desperately to reach a point where I could just let this go. It's time. I want my heart free of this; the weight of it is just too much to bear anymore, and it's done little more than remain a daily reminder of Satan's power. I don't want that reminder anymore. So, LG, you know who you are. You know why I'm saying this. And you know why it has been so hard for me to reach this point. I forgive you. I'm sorry I had any part in any of your pain, and I hope you either have or eventually will release that and me in forgiveness. I have nothing but pain left in my heart, but I pray daily that God will turn that pain to love. I want the best for you and your boys, and I hope and pray with all my heart that one day this very fractured and toxic relationship can be made perfect in Heaven. I plan on being there, I only hope bitter and selfish traps set by Satan don't keep you from meeting me there and reconciling in God's presence. It's very difficult for me to say this, but I do still love you.

**long, cleansing breath**

It's amazing how absolutely freeing that was.

**one more cleansing breath, and a second cup of coffee**

Moving on to more practical matters, I'm going to be spending the remainder of my day getting organized for school. I'm mostly ready in the curriculum/lesson plan department, with the exception of the biology and grammar books I'm STILL waiting on (I'm getting too many opportunities to practice that patience I've never prayed for...), but my scheduling and household management leaves a lot to be desired. I think I'm going to be 'enrolling' myself in Home Management Binder University over at Keeping the Home, and dedicating some concentrated time into getting myself together. I tried Teri Maxwell's Managers of Their Homes, but it was just SOOO overwhelming that I couldn't ever get it all arranged. I'd love to be able to use a schedule like she has, because it's simply amazing--but I get completely bogged down in all those little squares, and it's just too much for me. I need something simpler! Lessee.....goals......objectives......

• Pete wants a copy of our daily "plan" on the refrigerator so he can see what has and hasn't been accomplished--makes him feel a bit more connected to us and it really appeals to his "duty roster" nature!
• The girls need something they can feel organized with like the rest of us. Might help for them to grasp days of the week and a daily routine as well.
• Jon and Kelsey need to be able to see what is expected of them and when.
• I need some form of accountability, and I do tend to work well when I can see what I've got ahead of me so I don't get distracted in fifty different directions at once.
• We need continuity--a plan that shows us all what needs to get done so we actually accomplish things in a priority that serves our family without leaving all the necessities undone. We're all FAR too quick to jump ship on housekeeping chores when there's the possibility of doing something spontaneous.
• Lists are good. I may detest them, but hey, lists ARE good.

Time to go read. I've got a "class" to take! Hmm, I wonder if all of this is going to actually FIT in my 3-ring binder?

Hmm, while I'm at it, maybe I'll go ahead and write the Scriptures of the Day on our dry-erase board (since Pete forgot today in his haste to get to work way too early). What are they, you ask?

So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Let all things be done decently and in order. 1 Corinthians 14:40

Fun Monday--Why do I blog?

Lisa's Chaos is hosting a Fun Monday that looks like fun (hence the title, maybe? DUH), so I'll give it a shot since I have a few extra minutes! It's my first Fun Monday, but I may have to go back for more! Here's this week's assignment:

I’d like to know more about you, what makes you tick. I’d like to know how you started blogging. Did you keep a diary under lock and key safely hidden as a child? Do you still? Do you share the same things on your blog that you would have, or do, in your diary? Why did you start blogging and why do you continue? May as well throw in any roadblocks you have run into while blogging. If you still have your old diaries we’d love to see them.

What makes me tick, eh? Well if you go by yesterday's personality profile results, it's obviously introspection that makes me tick, so blogging suits me VERY well, it would seem!

How did I start blogging? Honestly, I've had a couple of false starts. I have a problem following through on my grand plans (dagnabbit, that silly profile has me pegged perfectly!), so I actually have two blogs that never even got off the ground. Same for the journals and diaries of my youth (and recent years as well); I get them started, then get distracted and forget, so I've probably had fifty or sixty journals/diaries with three or four entries. I never bothered with the lock and key, as nobody around me was all that interested in hearing my innermost thoughts--seems I was a bit too free with those thoughts anyway, so there apparently wasn't much they thought was "secret" about me. I have only kept one journal, from probably the worst period of my life, and I am really wanting to get rid of it because I'm not sure I want to remember everything I was struggling with back then. I'd rather focus on the good that came of it than the awful internal battle that weighed me down.

This blog has managed to survive that "start it and forget it" phase, but I'm not really sure why! I think the first blog I actually sat down and read was this one, and what intrigued me was the outlet for all the mental ramblings. I needed that, and it actually surprised me when I was able to turn this into not just a journal-type outlet but also a creative outlet as well. It's been FUN! Besides, I type MUCH faster than I write, so I am able to get so much more done on a blog than on paper!

My purpose in blogging now is entirely selfish. I really have no other activity to fill my day with that is JUST for me, with no other motive. Scrapbooking comes close, but a lot of that is for my family as well. Crafting, sewing, almost all of that is for others, but my blog? It's for ME. And I've used it to reign in my thoughts pretty well, I think. I'm very easily discouraged, but blogging has almost forced me to focus on the positive in every situation because once I get it on a screen, I can see exactly where negativity may be dragging me down.

The only roadblock I've had, if you could really call it that, is this guilt trip I get from my older kids for "hogging" the computer on weekdays (won't happen when we start school, that much I guarantee) when they want to be online surfing and playing games. Deal with it, yung'uns, it's not your computer anyway!

High School Meme

Just who ARE those skinny people?

I've seen this at several blogs lately and with the public schools starting back today, it seemed kind of timely for me to give it a shot.

1. Who was your best friend? Going into high school, Stacy Pettinelli--but she quickly dumped me and my band geek ways for the glitz and glamour of the Chiefettes drill team members. After that, it was Pete.

2. Did you play any sports? Nope...no time!

3. What kind of car did you drive? I didn't drive. My parents let me try driving the T-bird once, then my mom freaked out and changed her mind. I didn't learn to drive till Pete and I bought our own car a year and a half after we were married.

4. It’s Friday night. Where were you? Marching on the football field during halftime, or sitting in the stands in a very hot and sticky polyester marching band uniform. Then there was that lovely, stinky bus ride home from away games...

5. Were you a party animal? Not even close.

6. Were you considered a flirt? Doubtful, unless you ask Colby Dyess. I don't want to know what he had to say...

7. Were you in the band, orchestra or choir? The band was my life. Marching band, concert band, band, band, band, band, BAND!
8. Were you a nerd? Yes. Good grades, glasses, AP classes, honor society. Oh yeah, and there's that BAND thing.

9. Were you ever suspended or expelled? Not even close. Look up "goody-two-shoes" in the dictionary and there was a picture of me. I was terrified of my own shadow, I didn't do ANYTHING to get in trouble in school.

10. Can you sing the fight song? I don't think I ever could sing it. Hum it, yes. All three trumpet parts and the drumline! Now, though...um, don't think so. It's one of those tunes I tried very hard to forget!

11. Who was your favorite teacher? Mr. Burdick, because I had a huge crush on him and he made my freshman English class less of a drudgery, but Mr. Fresco was a HOOT in AP World History--I didn't learn much about world history but I can still quote Monty Python!

12. What was your school mascot? the Chiefs

13. Did you go to the Prom? Nope.

14. If you could go back, would you? Not in a million years or for a million dollars.

15. What do you remember most about graduation? That the only one I went to was Pete's. I didn't graduate; I opted to get my GED during my junior year when the administration placed me in a teen parent program that took me out of my AP classes and put me in basic, remedial courses. It was mind-numbing, and I saw no point in continuing in what wasn't a real "education". During Pete's graduation a few months earlier, though, I remember clearly getting very choked up as Pete walked past the band (we, of course, were playing Pomp and Circumstance for the umpteenth time) and said "I'm outta here!"

16. Where were you on Senior Skip Day? Never happened, as I didn't have a senior year, but I seriously doubt I would have skipped had I gotten the chance--the idea of an unexcused absence on my record wasn't something I was looking forward to for any reason.

17. Did you have a job your senior year? Again, no senior year, but I wouldn't have been allowed to work during the school year anyway.

18. Where did you go most often for lunch? We didn't have an open campus; we "ate" at the cafeteria...YUCK.

19. Have you gained weight since then? I weighed 94 pounds my last day of high school. If I didn't gain weight, I'd have blown away by now.

20. What did you do after graduation? Again, no graduation ceremony for me. I got my diploma in the mail. Kind of a non-event!

21. What year did you graduate? 1990

22. Who was your Senior Prom Date? Didn’t go, our parents would have never allowed it, but I *would* have gone with Pete.

23. Are you going/did you go to your 10 year reunion? Nope. For starters, we were in Germany, but considering the last contact I had with anyone from high school was Phillip (Oakey) Mancusi telling me that I was ruining Pete's life by not getting an abortion and two of my "friends" saying that we'd never make it to see our first anniversary, I didn't really have much to go back for. Pete wants to go to his 20th, but we'll see.

Allow myself to introduce...myself.

I'm home from worship services today, sick with whatever this bug is that Morgan, Jamie, and I have been fighting for the last few days. On top of some online devotional reading, I chased a rabbit trail from Lisa's blog to Karen's blog to Robin's blog, and decided to try my hand at a personality profile, since I've got little physical energy for anything more and I'm not feeling particularly creative at the moment. Here's what I found out about me:



Kiersey calls my personality type the Healer Idealist. Yep, that sounds adequate. Here's what else he had to say about *me*:

Healer Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in striving for their ends, and investigative and attentive in their interpersonal relations. Healer present a seemingly tranquil, and noticiably pleasant face to the world, and though to all appearances they might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside they are anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in other types. (Everybody say it with me..."I'm not weird, I'm MISUNDERSTOOD!") They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a favorite cause, and their fervent aim is to bring peace and integrity to their loved ones and the world. (Ding, ding, ding, ding, DING!)
Healers have a profound sense of idealism derived from a strong personal morality, and they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place. Indeed, to understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince or Princess of fairytale, the King's Champion or Defender of the Faith, like Sir Galahad or Joan of Arc. Healers are found in only 1 percent of the general population, although, at times, their idealism leaves them feeling even more isolated from the rest of humanity. (Huh...so THAT's why?)
Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged or even punished by many parents. In a practical-minded family, required by their parents to be sociable and industrious in concrete ways, and also given down-to-earth siblings who conform to these parental expectations, Healers come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. (So it wasn't just the feathers and webbed feet?) Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit them, but not the Healers. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and sisters. (Ok, that was profound. No comment...just letting it sink in.) They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are OK. They are quite OK, just different from the rest of their family-swans reared in a family of ducks. Even so, to realize and really believe this is not easy for them. (Ya think???) Deeply committed to the positive and the good, yet taught to believe there is evil in them, Healers can come to develop a certain fascination with the problem of good and evil, sacred and profane. Healers are drawn toward purity, but can become engrossed with the profane, continuously on the lookout for the wickedness that lurks within them. Then, when Healers believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however, for the struggle between good and evil is within the Healer, who does not feel compelled to make the issue public.

Woah. I need a moment to introspect.

Yep, that's me. To a 'T'. I read this about my type too, and found it amusing (from the Jung type descriptions):

INFP
creative, smart (AND humble...you forgot humble!), idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized (see previous blog entry!), avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules (don't tell me what I can't do!), solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning (or is that plans without acting?), low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted (ooh, look, shiny things!), does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside (Luke, I am your father...), hermit (are you calling me crabby?), more likely to support marijuana legalization (NOT!!!!!!!!!!), can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

That list forgot something....hates run-on 'paragraphs' with a passion! Funny thing is, though, Pete would probably utter a hearty "AMEN" to roughly 99% of the descriptions in that list!

True to my 'type', I guess, now I'm wondering what on earth I DO with this knowledge????

All hail the Queen!

It has begun...

Dani figured out in a HURRY that her new standing and step-taking skills could be used toward her plans for world domination...one sandbox at a time!

Thankful Thursday

I'm tired again today, thanks to another near-sleepless night trying to fend off a little arm that flails about as Dani sleeps, honing in on eyeballs, lips, and hair as if she had a heat-seeking guidance system! One of these days she'll sleep through the night, but I'm not holding my breath. After all, every single one of my five children has detested sleep with a passion, and they have gone far out of their way to avoid it until well past their first birthdays! However, staring at those wide-open eyes at 2am and then again at 5am....and 6am, a sense of gratefulness overtook me that I haven't felt in a long time. Perhaps I've been too caught up in the daily battles with the way-beyond-normal teen rebellion to really take stock, or maybe Satan is just really working on me right now to overshadow the blessings God has showered me with. Whatever the reason, it's unfortunate that I haven't spent more time thanking God for what I have. Life might be lumpy, but it's wonderful!

Pete called me within an hour of leaving the house this morning; he got to his yearly motorcycle safety course this morning to find that his license plate had fallen off somewhere between here and there. It's going to cost $30 to replace the tag...but we don't have to worry that $30 will break us financially like we used to. It still stings to have to pay that much, but that's because I'm cheap, not because we're broke! The Lord has provided for us well through Pete's career. We don't have to worry about having a roof over our heads; it's provided for us (even if it IS teeny and incredibly cramped as we squeeze a family of seven into 900 sq. ft.). We don't have to stress over medical care--when something is wrong, we just call or walk in. It may not be the BEST treatment in the world, but we don't have to choose to leave a condition untreated like countless numbers of people worldwide who can't afford or don't have access to medical treatment when they need it. Even through the worst of financial crises, we always have food on the table and gas in at least one vehicle. By most accounts, we're pretty "well off".

Five healthy children and a husband who is striving to improve himself for the betterment of his family. Ample access to all sorts of communication with wonderful people. The promise that this life, even with all its blessings, is nowhere NEAR the life that God is willing to grant to those who are faithful to Him. What an amazing thing.

Live is good. Thank you, Lord!

Decisions, decisions

Sometimes it seems almost silly that nearly eighteen years into Pete's military career, he and I still struggle with the stay in/get out decision every few years. Thankfully, he's *mostly* taken my thoughts and concerns into consideration when extending his military career, but this time just seems...I don't know, so FINAL. He's two years away from that twenty-year mark when everyone usually starts making plans to hang up the camouflage and move into a civilian life. Yet here we are, at another crossroads. It's crunch time for him to make a major decision that will affect not only his career, but the next seven or eight years of our family's life. Apply for Warrant Officer Candidate School, or just ride out the next few years and hang it all up?

When it's all said and done, if he's accepted for the Warrant Officer program, it will mean just an additional two and a half years tacked on to what he's already going to be serving. Both of us are admittedly weary of the high op-tempo and constant uncertainty. It seems like things never truly "slow down" for Pete, and it would be wonderful to have roots for once; we just don't feel like we have a "home". My parents have moved away from the only hometown I've ever known, his parents have divorced and moved to separate ends of the state, we've sold the only house we ever owned...life just feels so disjointed! But of course, this is the only life we've ever known since our family began almost eighteen years ago. Neither of us has a clue what spending more than three years in any one place feels like. How would we handle it? Will we need to pack up everything we own into a U-Haul van and drive it around the block every few years? Repaint and remodel? What does "home" even feel like?

Of course, the obvious question is why does all of this even "scare" us? We've always looked longingly toward Pete's military retirement. We've dreamed of settling down, building a house, and starting a "normal" life for years. God has blessed us richly and He will use the experiences we've had over the years for something wonderful, I'm sure...but are we "done"? Is that extra few hundred dollars a month (okay, close to a thousand) we'll get in his retirement check worth two and a half more years? Why does THAT scare us? After nearly twenty, what's two and a half more years?

I suppose God's answer would be pretty clear--if He doesn't want Pete to spend the extra time in the military, it just wouldn't happen. Talk about your leaps of faith!