Saturday, November 15, 2008

Randomness is out of control!

I never feel more out-of-touch with reality and out-of-control of my life than when I'm sick. I can't gather my thoughts, I can't stay on top of anything to keep the house in order, and I seem to spend the whole day flitting from one thing to another with no apparent purpose for life. It's not pleasant.

I may not be one who's incredibly great at *keeping* order, but I do crave it. I don't like living randomly. I'm not fond of just going about my days waiting to see what is going to happen next. Kind of like Morgan, who goes to bed every night asking "What are we going to do tomorrow?," and who awakes asking "What are we going to do today?," I need to know.

That little part of my personality may be what gives me the biggest challenge when it comes to trusting God for the 'details'. I'm a control freak when it comes to my life. I may not necessarily have to be in charge, per se, but I do at least need to know what's going on, who's in control, what their plan is, how I'm to go about executing my purpose......hmm......I'd have been a great noncommissioned officer if my life had followed a different path!

The only time I'm bad at relenquishing control is when the road ahead doesn't seem clear. What does God want from me? What are His plans for my life? What does He want to accomplish through me? What if I really did just let go of all the worry, the fear, the need to plan....what would my life look like?

It's an ongoing process. Maybe these sick days are a practice if I could quell the randomness long enough to complete a scrapbook page without disgusting myself I might be in good shape.


Qtpies7 said...

Yeah! Thanks for removing the music! Now I can read and comment!

I am the opposite of you. I am completely winging it day by day. LOL

Tina said...

"What does God want from me? What are His plans for my life? What does He want to accomplish through me?"
WHO told you about MY thoughts??? But I don't need to be sick to have them. I actually asking me those questions almost daily... Sometimes I definitely can see what God wants from me and I am really excited I can do something etc. but when those things are done, it seems "worse" than before. I think I have to learn to trust and just stay close to my Lord even if there is nothing special gong on in my life...

btw: I usually cut my mom's hair... sometimes I wished I could screw my head off my shoulders, have my hair trimmed by myself and then screw it again back on my shoulders... creepy, huh??

p.s.: get well, soon!

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